‘Language can be both verbal as well as body, oftentimes one can be contradicting to the other.’
LOVE, in and of itself, is such a complicated emotion. How it first arises (At first sight? Falling for the persistence of a suitor? Out of need?) is just but the beginning. How to keep the fire burning bright through not just one night or one week or one month or year, but through years and years is an even bigger challenge. And I know as many lovers who have lasted for decades as those who have lasted for just a few months.
My parents, I am proud to say, saw their union through to the “till death do us part.” In contrast, some couples out there would be happy to inflict a mortal wound on the other if only it was legal just to escape the “unbreakable bond” they swore to uphold before God and their chosen witnesses. And my wish is to see more of the former than of the latter but I suspect it’s a wistful thinking kind of wish.
As if emotions are not complicated enough, there too is the “language of love.” Language can be both verbal as well as body, oftentimes one can be contradicting to the other. And the skill that has to be learned by both persons in the union is how to read the language properly. Because misreading the language and getting the message wrong can have, well, fatal to near-fatal consequences
A few days ago, I had the chance to take a long drive with two friends, both hitched, who were happy to share with me the pitfalls of misreading the message from their partners. It was a conversation filled with laughter as my two guests detailed the trouble they had gotten into just because they took what was said at face value, completely ignoring the circumstances, the tone of voice, and yes, the body language. I guess it was a case of the “eyes only seeing what it wanted to see.” And how wrong they were!
One of the most hilarious stories they shared with me was how they had been told two words that sounded so simple but were, in fact, laden with red flags.
“Bahala ka.” In English, up to you/you decide.
Very often, these two danger-laden words are spoken by the wife (or even girlfriend) to the male partner hopeful for a “pass.” Depending on the degree of hopefulness with which the guy wishes to interpret those two words, he often always ends up walking into a minefield worthy of “The Killing Fields” of Cambodia.
The reality is, it isn’t plainly up to you. Yes, you decide, but. And that but is what you ignore at your peril.
More often than not, I guess, “Bahala Ka” really means “I’d rather you not, but you can go ahead and do it and just face my wrath later.” So, the question boils down to how wrathful is that wrath and will anything still be left standing after it’s unleashed?
Now, why can’t she just say “no?” I guess it’s because she wants to give him a semblance of freedom of choice which he gave up at the altar. It is also due to the desire not to sound so Big Brother strict and controlling because she is not Big Brother, but Big Sister. It’s also, I suppose, a reply given out of irritation as if to say, “What? After all that we’ve done through discussing this in the last, you’re asking me again?”
But it’s also a way to give him rope with which to hang himself, and half of the time the poor unsuspecting or naive guy walks into the trap.
So there. Let the tales of my friends be a warning to the many others out there still living under the naive impression that they remain as free to decide their fates long after they surrendered that power when they said: “I do.”
Next to popping a pill of cyanide, there’s no better way to end your life than to misread and misinterpret those two simple-sounding words of love, “Bahala ka.”
